Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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