Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
