My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
