I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
