kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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