Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
