I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
