Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
