Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
