He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
