Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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