My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
