shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
