this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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