my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize