I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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