Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
