Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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