I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
