I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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