it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
