currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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