i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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