No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
