I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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