hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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