I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
