The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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