so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
