the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
