Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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