Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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