I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
