I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
