I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I FOUND THE LEGS
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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