New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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