got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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