Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
