Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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