yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
