just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize