Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
