I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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