PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
