You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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