Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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