Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
