i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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