so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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