His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize