Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
