I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
