Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
