So drunk, too bad you don't want this
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Randomize
