I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
