Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize