I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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