I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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