I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
